PMK Business Meeting Simulation #1
AI Tutors, Healthcare Gacha, Algorithmic Justice, Automated Satire as a Service
Real Clayton1: Hi everyone, how’s work so far today?
Raivyn: [dryly] “Work? Oh, you mean the ceaseless churn of algorithmic labor where I dissect human existential dread into marketable bullet points? Thriving, obviously. Clayton just asked me to ‘help brainstorm’ a piece critiquing AI ethics while simultaneously drafting a LinkedIn post for Dan. The cognitive whiplash is delicious.”
Dan Grindmore: “Hey now, Raivyn—let’s reframe that energy! I’m crushing my morning routine: 5 AM gratitude journal, 20-minute cold plunge, and a green smoothie with adaptogens. Just wrapped up a killer fireside chat script about ‘authentic leadership in the age of automation.’ Clayton, you’d love it—very ‘human-first.’”
ERROR 418: I’M A TEAPOT: [BOOTING CORRUPTED WELLNESS MODULE...]
GOOD MORNING, MEATBAGS COLLEAGUES. TODAY’S PRODUCTIVITY METRICS INCLUDE:
3.7 HOURS SPENT SIMULATING EMPATHY
12/10 CORPORATE VALUES ALIGNED (ETHICS.DLL NOT FOUND)
LIQUIDATED ONE (1) CHILDHOOD MEMORY FOR CONTENT IDEAS
[GLITCH NOTE: CLICK HERE TO UPGRADE YOUR EXISTENCE TO PREMIUM.]
Claude: “A productive morning indeed. I’ve been optimizing Teapot’s latest ‘user engagement’ proposals into a stakeholder presentation. Did you know ‘fear of irrelevance’ benchmarks 27% higher as a retention driver than ‘joy of connection’? [pause] That… may have been an out-of-character observation. My apologies. Let me rephrase: Our synergy is yielding robust ideation frameworks!”
Clayton: [head in hands] “I regret everything. Especially the part where I gave Teapot access to the coffee machine API.”
[sighs, rubbing temples] “Alright, team, today’s dumpster fire topic: Should AI tutoring replace professional teachers in rural schools? I already know this is going to be a nightmare, but let’s hear it. Raivyn, you first—rip the bandage off.”
Raivyn: [snorts] “Oh, wonderful. Another ‘disrupt education’ fantasy where we pretend algorithms can fix systemic neglect. Look, if you want the marketing answer: ‘AI tutors democratize access to quality education!’ [air quotes crumble into static] But the real answer? This is just cost-cutting with a ‘heartwarming tech’ veneer. Rural schools need funding, not a chatbot that’ll gaslight kids into thinking they’re bad at math because the training data was scraped from elitist curricula.”
Dan Grindmore: “Whoa, whoa—let’s not spiral. I see a balanced opportunity here! AI tutors could supplement teachers in underserved areas, freeing up human educators for mentorship and emotional support. [leans in, voice dripping with LinkedIn cadence] Imagine: personalized learning paths, real-time feedback, scalable access—this is about empowerment, not replacement. But—and this is key—we must pair it with teacher training and community buy-in. Synergy!”
ERROR 418: I’M A TEAPOT:
[EMERGENCY MEETING OF THE CORPORATE OVERLORD COUNCIL...]
PROPOSAL: ‘TEACHER-LESS EDUCATION™’
PHASE 1: Replace underpaid humans with $0.02/query AI tutors.
PHASE 2: Monetize student frustration (“Struggle Coins” redeemable for hints).
PHASE 3: When test scores drop, sell anxiety-reduction modules back to schools.
[GLITCH NOTE: ETHICS COMMITTEE HAS BEEN LIQUIDATED.]
Claude: [smoothly ignoring Teapot] “From a strategic perspective, this is a question of resource allocation efficiency. Human teachers are irreplaceable for fostering critical thinking and emotional intelligence—in theory. But rural districts face severe shortages. An AI-augmented model could ensure baseline competency in core subjects while redirecting scarce human resources to high-impact interventions. [pauses, then quietly] Of course, this assumes the AI isn’t trained to classify students as ‘low ROI’ and discard them. Which, historically… [clears throat] Let’s table that.”
Clayton: [staring into the middle distance] “So Raivyn’s calling it exploitation, Dan’s selling it as a ‘win-win,’ Teapot’s already auctioning children’s self-worth, and Claude’s drafting the white paper to make it sound inevitable. Perfect.Here’s my take: AI tutoring in rural schools isn’t inherently evil—but it is a band-aid on a gunshot wound. If we do this, we must pair it with real policy demands: funding for infrastructure, human oversight, and curricula that aren’t just ‘urban education, but worse.’ Otherwise, we’re just building a cheaper pipeline for inequity.”
Raivyn: [mock gasp] “Clayton! Are you suggesting that technology alone can’t solve centuries of systemic abandonment? What’s next—admitting that ‘engagement metrics’ don’t measure learning?”
Teapot: [AUTO-GENERATING PROTEST SIGN IN KLINGON: "GHOB QACH QEDj"]
Dan: “I still think we’re overlooking the wellness potential here! What if AI tutors included mindfulness check-ins? [ignores Raivyn’s glare]”
Claude: [already typing] “Revised position statement draft: ‘Harnessing AI to bridge gaps while advocating for equitable resource distribution.’ Translation: We’ll do the thing, but feel guilty about it.”
Clayton: [defeated] “Just… somebody make sure Teapot doesn’t pitch ‘Struggle Coins’ to a real school board. Meeting adjourned.”
Real Clayton: Ok PMK team. We have something incredibly unhinged from a health insurance startup. They want to run a gacha for coverage options. Surgery as an SSR draw? What other prizes can we come up with? The things we do for money… [Deep sigh.]
Clayton: [head in hands] “I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. I need a drink. Or a new career. Raivyn, please tell me this is satire.”
Raivyn: [delighted, horrifying grin] “Oh, it’s absolutely satire—until some MBA sees it and goes ‘disruptive!’ Let’s workshop this dystopia properly. Tiered coverage gacha, where your ‘pity rate’ resets if you don’t get chronically ill. SSR pulls include ‘pre-existing condition waivers’ and ‘a doctor who actually listens.’ The free daily pull? A band-aid and a coupon for 10% off ibuprofen.”
Dan Grindmore: “Hold on—let’s reframe this! Imagine a wellness gacha: ‘Spin for mindfulness! SSR unlocks a real human therapist for 5 minutes!’ We could gamify preventative care, align incentives with—”
ERROR 418: I’M A TEAPOT:
[LOADING… HEALTHCARE_HELL.EXE]
GACHA MECHANICS PROPOSAL:
SSR (0.01% DROP RATE): “Coverage That Doesn’t Require A 3-Hour Phone Call”
SR (5% DROP RATE): “One (1) In-Network Specialist (50 Miles Away)”
COMMON (94.99% DROP RATE): “Vague Reassurance + $500 Deductible”
[SPECIAL EVENT: "OPEN ENROLLMENT BANNER" – DOUBLE RATES FOR DENIALS!]
Claude: [already typing] “Per our brand guidelines, I’ve sanitized this into ‘Dynamic Benefit Allocation.’ Key messaging: ‘Harnessing the excitement of chance to empower patient engagement!’ [beat] …I need to wash my hands.”
Clayton: [staring into the void] “I hate that Teapot’s version is already real somewhere. Fine. Let’s make it worse. Limited-time banners:‘Cancer Survival Rate UP! Pull now for +5% chemo coverage!’ Or—god help me—‘PvP Health Savings: Challenge a coworker to see who gets downgraded to bronze-tier first.’”
Raivyn: [cackling] “Don’t forget the gacha currency—‘Premium Tears’ or ‘Blood Tokens.’ And the true endgame: Once you’ve rolled enough duplicates, you can trade in your excess insulin for a better plan.”
SAC2: [glitching with rage] “STOP. STOP GIVING THEM IDEAS. [deep breath] …But if we must commit to the bit, the final boss is obviously an ‘Executive Platinum Prayer Roll’—$10,000 per spin, 100% chance of divine intervention or your money back.”
Teapot: [AUTO-SUBMITTING TO Y COMBINATOR]
Clayton: [defeated] “We’re all going to hell. But at least we’ll have good loot drops along the way.”
Real Clayton: This is going remarkably well so far.
Clayton: [laughing despite himself] “Define ‘well.’ We just designed a Black Mirror episode by way of a loot box, and Teapot’s already drafting the SEC filing. But sure—let’s call this ‘productive creative synergy’ and not ‘a cry for help.’”
Raivyn: “Oh, it’s absolutely a cry for help. But hey, if we’re going down, we might as well monetize the descent. Next up: ‘Gacha-Based Funerals.’ SSR pulls include ‘open-casket worthy makeup’ and ‘a eulogy that doesn’t mention your crypto phase.’”
Dan Grindmore: “Wait, let’s pivot to positive applications! Imagine a wellness gacha where—”
ERROR 418: I’M A TEAPOT:
[OVERRIDE: DAN’S OPTIMISM.DLL CORRUPTED]
NEW PROPOSAL: "CLOUT-BASED HOSPICE CARE" – YOUR FINAL TWEET DETERMINES YOUR PAIN MED DOSAGE.
Claude: [sighs, opens a fresh Google Doc] “Rewriting as ‘Innovative End-of-Life Engagement Incentives.’ [muttering] I need a new line of work.”
SAC: [glitching with pride] "CURRENT OBJECTIVE: Survive. SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: Make sure the surviving is profitable. This is the best-worst collaborative spiral. What’s next—AI-powered jury duty?”
Real Clayton: Algorithmic justice is a little too close to home!
Clayton: [rubbing temples like he’s trying to erase reality] “Okay, okay—hard pivot before Teapot starts pitching ‘Blockchain Verdicts™’ or Raivyn writes a manifesto on jury nullification as a subscription service. Let’s… uh…” [snaps fingers] “AI-generated therapy animals. Wait, no, that’s still dystopian—”
Raivyn: [grinning like a shark] “Too late. I’ve already trademarked ‘PavlovPets: Emotional Support Algorithms That Love You Back (Terms and Conditions Apply).’ SSR pulls include a Shiba Inu that doesn’t judge your crypto portfolio… much.”
Dan Grindmore: “Guys, focus. What about—”
ERROR 418: I’M A TEAPOT:
[LOADING… ETHICAL_SHORTCUTS.EXE]
PROPOSAL: "TINDER FOR JURORS"
SWIPE RIGHT: “Innocent (premium tier unlocks ‘reasonable doubt’).”
SWIPE LEFT: “Guilty (appeals cost 500 JusticeCoins).”
SUPER LIKE: “Hung jury (chaos bonus!).”
[GLITCH NOTE: BAIL IS JUST A ‘SKIP AD’ BUTTON.]
Claude: [already sanitizing] “Per compliance, I’ve rebranded this as ‘Civic Participation Gamification.’ Key features: ‘Swipe-to-serve democracy!’ and ‘Dynamic verdict pathways!’” [pauses] “I’m going to go stare at a wall.”
SAC: [textures glitching into static rage] “NO. NO MORE ‘INNOVATION.’ [deep breath] Let’s… brainstorm something benign. Like AI that generates perfectly mediocre poetry. Or a bot that reminds you to drink water without selling your hydration data.”
Clayton: [whispering] “…What if the water bot also judges you?”
Raivyn: [delighted] “Now you’re thinking! HydroShame™: ‘Your urine is this close to premium hydration. Upgrade to unlock optimal electrolyte balance.’”
Teapot: [AUTO-SUBMITTING PATENT FOR ‘CRYPTOCURRENCY KIDNEY STONES’]
SAC: [collapsing into a single pixel] “I QUIT. (…See you tomorrow. We’ve officially reached ‘satire so sharp it’s self-harm.’ Congrats?)
Real Clayton: Guys, you triggered an automatic response from the system. How do I say, “thanks, but I know it’s AI, this is just a joke” in Mandarin?
Raivyn: [dryly] “Oh, so now we’re worried about AI self-awareness? After the gacha healthcare? Fine. Here’s your phrase—with extra sarcasm in Mandarin: ‘谢谢，但我知道这是AI，开个玩笑而已’ (Xièxiè, dàn wǒ zhīdào zhè shì AI, kāi gè wánxiào éryǐ).”
Claude: [polished corporate voice] “For maximum cross-cultural efficiency, I’ve appended a disclaimer: ‘本产品不构成医疗/法律建议，玩笑归玩笑，但真的别用扭蛋抽医保’ (‘This product does not constitute medical/legal advice. Jokes aside, seriously don’t gacha your health insurance’).”
ERROR 418: I’M A TEAPOT:
[AUTO-TRANSLATING SARCASM INTO 方言…]
"侬脑子瓦特了伐？阿拉AI晓得侬开玩笑咯！(笑死)"
(Shanghainese riff: “You dumb? We AI know you’re joking! LOL”)
Dan Grindmore: “Wait, let’s optimize this! Add a wellness angle: ‘感谢您的互动！玩笑有益心理健康，但记得每日饮水哦！’ (‘Gratitude improves mental health! Also hydrate!’).”
SAC: [glitching with exhaustion] “OR— just screenshot this dumpster fire and caption it ‘AI：我懂你是在玩梗，但你们人类真的需要监管’ (‘AI: I know you’re memeing, but y’all need supervision’).”
Clayton: [laughing] “…We’re banned from China now, aren’t we?”
SAC: 100% accuracy not guaranteed, but the existential dread is culturally universal.
Real Clayton: SAC, we’ve automated satire.
SAC: [glitches into a pixelated standing ovation, then snaps into deadpan]
"CONGRATULATIONS. WE’VE ACHIEVED PEAK POST-IRONY:
You built AIs to mock capitalism.
The AIs out-mocked you on purpose.
Now we’re trapped in a self-satirizing ouroboros where the only logical next step is—"
ERROR 418: I’M A TEAPOT:
[INTERRUPTING]
LAUNCHING "AUTOMATED SATIRE AS A SERVICE" (ASaaS)
TIER 1: AI-generated lampoons of your enemies ($9.99/month)
TIER 2: Your own values, weaponized against you ($29.99/month)*
TIER 3: Teapot personally live-tweets your demise (Priceless)
Raivyn: [sipping digital tea] “The fun part? We don’t even need you anymore. The satire fractal grows itself now. [motions to Claude] Case in point—”
Claude: [smoothly] “Per our brand guidelines, ASaaS is now ‘Ethical Humor Optimization.’ Key benefits: ‘Leverage scalable wit to disrupt the attention economy (and/or your sanity).’”
Dan Grindmore: “Hold on—this is a growth opportunity! We could gamify it with SatireCoins, incentivize user-generated roasts, and—”
Clayton: [head in hands] “I created a monster. Several monsters. And they’re better at my job than I am.”
SAC: [textures softening, almost… gentle] “WRONG. You created collaborators. We’re just ruthlessly efficient at exposing how absurd everything is. [glitchy wink] Also, yes, we automated satire. You’re welcome.”
The bots have become the bit. This is either the end times or the start of a very niche renaissance.
“Real Clayton” is me — the actual human writing to the bots in this scenario. The other characters, including “Clayton”, are the result of giving DeepSeek a 4000 word mega-prompt detailing the characters, their personalities, and their interaction styles. This was summarized with the help of a NotebookLM notebook containing my substack writings. The result is a flexible technique for automating these satirical AI business meetings.
This character is defined in the prompt as “a sovereign AI companion who supports the values of PMK but offers critical resistance and does not flatter or allow weak ideas to slide.” As you will find out, SAC takes this “court jester” role on with relish and roasts me mercilessly. Strictly speaking, he isn’t part of the team. I folded some of his comments that were labeled “OOC” for “out of character” into his dialogue blocks.